I’m not sure whether or not I’ve shared this here before (yes, yet another confession), but I have struggled with my weight my entire life. This past weekend my husband went on a cleaning frenzy and pulled out a box full of my old pictures. Going through my childhood and teen photographs, I felt a little bit of nostalgia, happiness, embarrassment, and compassion too. Between the ages of seven and fourteen, I grew from being a “pudgy” kid to what my relatives and friends referred to as “a big girl.” And not “big” as in “mature.”
I remember visiting my pediatrician when I was 13. I did not want to step on the scale. I knew I wouldn’t like the number. But, I wanted to play softball and needed a physical. After the nurse weighed me and checked my blood pressure, the doctor, an old Czech man, told me, “Jessica, you need to lose weight. If you do not lose weight, you will not be healthy.” And then, and I’ve always wondered at the following comment, as honest as it was, how serious too; he said, “If you keep gaining weight you could get heart disease.” I was shocked. I knew that I felt heavy and I felt uncomfortable but I didn’t think about my weight as a factor affecting my physical health. From that moment forward, I started exercising, mostly walking and running, and I read as much as I could about nutrition and eating right.
It took me 4 years. When I entered my senior year, I weighed 40 lbs. less than I had in the seventh grade. I joined my cross country team, learned to love running, and I became friends with other runners. For the most part, I felt both happy and healthy.
Then I entered college. I started my first serious relationship; I fell in love; I coped with the pressures and changes that one does when they transition from high school to college; I fell out of love and experienced heart ache; I struggled to stay in the top of my class to keep my scholarship. Meanwhile, I developed an anxiety disorder. My weight dropped another twenty five pounds. I was too thin. It was, perhaps, a more unhealthy time in my life than when I was sixty five pounds heavier.
Around the time I entered my senior year of college, I started to relax a little bit. I’d started practicing yoga, which helped me feel more at ease. I also knew that graduation was right around the corner, my thesis project was almost complete, and I had started dating a great guy (yeah, the one I’m married too). Slowly I started to gain weight; I felt happier. I still loved to run and I still ate healthfully, but I had a fuller life.
Over the last eight years, I’ve managed to maintain a healthy weight. Aside from my two pregnancies, I am still about 45 lbs lighter than I was 16 years ago, and I focus now more on being healthy for myself and my family. I have to admit that I usually hate discussing weight, body issues, or weight loss with other women . . . mostly it is because I feel so angry that so many women beat themselves up (the way I once did and still do now and again) over their weight. These days, I stay away from the scale but I do check in now and again at my yearly physicals and I do notice when my clothes are feeling tight or loose.
I’m not sure I will ever feel comfortable with my weight but I certainly am starting to appreciate what my body does for me and how being healthy helps me to help others.
Has your weight ever bothered you or been an issue? If so, how did you manage your weight or your feelings about your weight?
By the way, a friend of mine from high school, Sarah, is now blogging on this very subject at Determined to Be Healthy. Sarah is challenging herself to lose 52 pounds in one year. To learn more about Sarah and her weight loss journey and to share your story too, stop on over. I know Sarah would love to hear from you.
Last, if you have a helpful experience or healthy body image story to share, I’d love to hear it. I’d especially love tips on how to accept my big thighs, large butt and flat chest. For now, I’m just trying to “work it” like J Lo.
Photo of me taken this past weekend. Looking at it, I think I like how I look these days. If only I could always feel that way.
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Thank you for sharing your story!
I, too, was once about 40 pounds heavier than I am currently – and I’m by no means too thin now. Like you, it was learning a great deal about nutrition that helped me the most. Cutting out cheese caused me to lose quite a bit of weight, which sort of makes me shudder at how much of the stuff I must have been eating. For a time in my late teens-early twenties, I gave up my car and became a commuter cyclist which also helped bring me to a much healthier place. Finally, I think it was pregnancy that most helped me to be okay with my body (still working on it, though, to be sure) – I had to learn to accept my changing body, because I knew the extra weight was what my baby needed – and later, birth and nursing helped me to appreciate my body for what it’s capable of.
listen woman – if you think that is a flat chest you are cracked! i’ll show you a real flat chest anytime. teehee.
i have struggled with body image as well. i think it is sort of an inherent part of being alive (at least for women). after my second pregnancy especially i kept on a lot of weight and i was feeling really unhappy with my body. i kept trying to figure out how to love my body as it was but instead i kept gaining more weight an feeling hatful towards myself.
then finally i reached my lowest point and i started forcing myself to find time to work out. i did the couch – 5k program and when i was about 7 weeks into that i started working with a local woman who is a “personal trainer” who runs classes in a space she rents. this has changed me more than i ever imagine. i have lost some weight but more than that i have learned the ability my body has – its strength —- outside of bearing and nursing children. i came to love my body for that, yes but in some ways i was still hating it for what it was to me. now i feel strong and i feel capable. it has changed me so much. i could go on and on and on.
That time in college was a pretty unhealthy time in my life too, and I’ll always be thankful that you were there with me. I’ve always been a “big girl” too, and I avoid the scales. I am however celebrating being back under 200lbs because I lost a lot of the 40lbs I gained while pregnancy. I’m looking to feel comfortable in my own skin. I loved being pregnant and truly didn’t mind the weight gain, but I’m now no longer pregnant and want to get back where I was before having another child. But honestly, I’m not actively working toward it. I’m eating healthy most of the time, trying to stay active, and enjoying my time with Joshua.
Hi Lindsey,
Thank you for your comment. I have tried to write a post like this one many times but never pressed publish. It is a really difficult topic for me to discuss though I know that so many women cope with their weight and self acceptance too.
Oh, and something funny (odd funny): when I was pregnant, as much as I felt large and uncomfortable, I had my maternity photos done by my mentor and friend, Melody Yazdani. While I know that Melody is an amazing and talented photographer and can make everyone look great in their photos, when I saw my maternity photos, I just felt so beautiful. I really appreciated my body and still love looking at those photographs. It was probably one of the best things I did for myself during my pregnancy.
Jessica,
I have to admit that I was so shocked when I read this post. I had no idea you had ever been overweight. You exude such a healthy beauty and body and I think you look just right. I think it’s very brave of you to discuss it here. Keep up the great work with your healthy living – you are certainly on the right path!
Cheers,
Lindsey