Over these past two weeks, as much as I’ve been in awe (and in a state of delirium) with my new babe, I have wondered, “Will I ever blog again?” Putting together a coherent sentence while simply talking with other people has been something of a challenge, so you can only imagine how hard it is to translate thoughts to words on a written page. I’ve revised and revised the last few sentences because even though I am highly caffeinated (thanks to Starbucks black tea), I just can’t think straight. There goes blogging, huh?
Well, I don’t think so. I think what I’ll do today since I’ve really been wanting to write is simply share words as they flow into my mind; here is what’s happening:
bronchitis. yuck. I always seem to get bronchitis when I’m going through a change . . . a good change, a difficult change, an inversion of one’s existence kind of change. A welcome change.
preschool. Annabelle met her teacher yesterday. I deal with letting go by getting angry. I feel all sorts of angry (guilty) about sending Annabelle to school at age 2. I feel all sorts of guilty about not being able to craft, read, run around with her as much during these past 2 weeks. My husband (my other half) tells me that preschool will be good for Annabelle, good for me. We’ll see . . . I feel jealous of her teacher. Her teacher told me about all these neat crafts and activities planned for Annabelle and 5 other kids. I want to be able to do these things with her. I want to be able to do everything. I realize this is leading to another word . . .
expectations. I need to pair down. I need to not have expectations. One foot in front of the other . . . it’ll all get done, the laundry will get folded, the baby will be fed, Annabelle will be tickled and cuddled with; it all just happens slower; walking from the front door to the car now takes about an hour . . .
weaning. my stomach turns over. guilt again. I don’t think I can keep up with nursing two kids. the bronchitis again. I wonder whether my body is able to support 3 immune systems and feed a big, big baby boy. He gained one and a half pounds in these past 2 weeks . . . I’d worried that I wasn’t producing enough milk; apparently baby boys in my family grow big and grow fast . . . so different from nursing a wee baby girl, who didn’t reach 9 lbs. until she was somewhere around 3 or 4 months old; Levis has already grown an inch and reached 9 lbs. 8 and a half oz. He’s always hungry . . . and then Annabelle looks up at me with big eyes wanting to nurse and I feel awful because I want to keep big growing baby boy happy and still meet Annabelle’s needs for comfort and bonding . . . I tickle her instead . . . I squeeze her and make her laugh . . . I pretend to eat an Annabelle-foot sandwich with ketchup and mustard. She loves that . . .
laundry. oh there is always more laundry. always. thank goodness my husband seems to be on top of it. Annabelle, Levi, and me? We just create it.
camera. snapped photos twice. viewing them on the camera? done. viewing and sharing them with friends and family . . . well that’s another story.
baby carriers. praise the creators of baby carriers all the world round! My goodness, I have 2 arms again! . . . and sometimes just one but heck, I’ll settle for one arm! I can, when Levi lets me, sit down and do this thing known as blogging . . . it’s amazing! When Levi isn’t nursing or begging to nurse, he’s snug against my chest either in a carrier or laying down. I don’t think I could eat, use the toilet, or have a conversation (with that guy who lives with me (the one who folds laundry)) if it weren’t for baby carriers. I cannot say enough good things about baby carriers. Love them all! Though I’m looking forward to Levi filling out my Ergo. Always had a thing for structured carriers.
Pre-pregnant me. Yeah I wonder whether I’ll ever see her again. Nope. I doubt it. I am forever changed. Mentally, physically, spiritually. My heart is now split between 3 . . . I get all weepy just thinking about it . . . I will never again not worry about my 3 loves: Annabelle, Matt, and Levi. I will always want to know that they’re all okay, well, healthy, happy, safe, doing no harm and out of harm’s way. And then there’s my rear end. I wonder whether it’ll ever go back to how it was. Doubt it. A friend told me she just went out and bought a new wardrobe after baby #2 . . . it’s been 2 weeks. I think I’ll wait on wardrobe splurges for a while . . . besides, my baby is nursing around the clock and I’ve already lost more than half my pregnancy weight . . . between the constant movement he seems to like (require) and all the nursing, I imagine my physical self will resemble something of its pre-pregnant form . . . and so what if it doesn’t? My inside self is changed too and I just rambled about that and I’m not revising this so well, I’m wondering about other mamas, did you feel yourself change inside and out when your baby(ies) came?
Gotta go. Need to walk with Levi a bit more, :-)
Hugs, peace and love,