I cannot believe it’s August. I cannot believe I am 39 weeks pregnant. I cannot believe that my baby has not been born! You might be surprised to read that I’m having a tough time accepting that a woman’s body takes 40 weeks (and sometimes more, or less) to build a baby, but I am. I suppose, and I am basing this on what my midwife tells me, I made up my mind that I would give birth to my baby at 37 weeks . . . after all, I gave birth to my first baby at 37 weeks on the dot, but, and this is major, in my first pregnancy I was in the care of an ob-gyn practice (with midwives) who surveyed my pregnancy with lots of technology and who thought I needed an induction at 37 weeks (it’s since been determined by another doctor and my current midwifery practice that it was not). Granted I do not want a repeat of the last birth (scared to death that one intervention would result in another and then living that experience out); I do want to have my baby when my body and baby are ready, but, but . . . it’s taking so long . . . I know. Not really. My body and my baby are taking the time they need; I know . . . I’m being redundant. My mind is so wrapped up in this question of when I will go into labor and when I will get to meet my baby and whether or not I’ll surpass the 40 week mark and have to have a stress test and sonogram . . . and then what? Interventions?!? I know. I’m being catastrophic. I’m being negative. I’m being all of those things that I have channeled so much of my energy in this pregnancy to not being; I’ve wanted to recognize the beauty of the world . . . create a peaceful environment for my baby in utero; I have worked to distance myself from the naysayers, the condemners, the women who share blood and guts stories about childbirth . . . I have wanted to recognize my fears and acknowledge them for the helpers they intend to be (letting me know that this or that needs my attention), and I have, more than anything, worked to see the good, feel the good, and be surrounded by the good. Don’t we all want that? We want what is best for our children, for our loved ones, for our friends . . .
And for the most part, I spend my days keeping busy with a beautiful, creative, and spirited 2 year old. Following her around is an adventure: she amazes me, keeps me on my toes, and helps me see just what an awesome world it is that we live in. Just listening to her explain her perception of the world is eye opening and well, funny. Tonight she told us at the dinner table: “I love candy. I love candy because . . . because candy is chocolate . . . and I love chocolate.” She makes me laugh everyday.
Which makes me feel so guilty becuase . . . I am blessed. I am loved. But I am human too. I am weak, I get miserable, I feel disappointed, and sometimes I walk around unable to see the good in anything (often, those are the moments, days, and weeks when I haven’t slept or made any time for myself). Much of the time when I am in those moments or even outside of them, I feel thankful for this whole blogosphere adventure . . . being able to surf here and there and participate in the ongoings of so many mothers, fathers, families . . . getting to see that my disappointments are not unique, that on some level, we all have our days . . .
That is where I am right now. And it seems contradictory, or is really, because today Annabelle and I were supposed to create a day about makes us feel happy, what makes us feel grateful; I think I’d been holding out on this day because I thought, wouldn’t it be great if my baby were here for this day? Wouldn’t it be beautiful if I could tell you all on the last day of our days of you and me that Annabelle, her dad and I were blessed with her brother’s presence? Wishful thinking, yes. I realize that many of you who read my goings on and are proponents of natural birth may think that I am in too much of a hurry and that I ought to be more patient . . .
Those of you who have e-mailed me or know me on Facebook and have sent warm and positive thoughts to me and the baby, thank you. I need it. So, to another day, to optimism, to acceptance, and to well, being okay with the experience of not feeling okay. Taking a few steps back from all this, I know that I am so much more than these thoughts.
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hi you,
the bean was born at 35.5 weeks and so the moment i hit 36 weeks with chickpea i was like, “i am past due!” so, i understand how you are feeling.
i said this before but i am going to repeat it in the here and now. when i was in your situation (waiting not so patiently for my second birth to come and also wanting everything to happen the way it was supposed to) i kept asking my guides what to do and they kept telling me to let go. let go of what? everything.
every night as i lay in bed i practiced the art of letting go, i asked for help letting go, i asked to be shown what it felt like to truly let go. and, in no time flat it worked and my body was ready to let my baby go and we gave birth.
and also, remember, you are doing it right now. with each passing moment. you may not be in active labor yet but you are there – so close to meeting him – reflecting, wishing, hoping, turning so deeply inward to listen to yourself, that is birthing. you are doing it.
best and love and let us know how we can help you.
robin
One more thing for expecting mothers: I am finding this web-site so inspiring and helpful: http://birthbuddy.wordpress.com/resources/affirmations/
Great photos, poems, and quotes. I just printed out 6 pages to put in my birth folder when baby boy makes his move.
MamaTea, thank you; I like how you put it: he’ll come on his birthday. Yup.
Abbie, are you kidding me? I do not sit well. I’m hoping for a beautiful and healthy birth with mamma grabbing hold of the camera as soon as she can; lol, I’m hoping to post my own pics of baby boy . . . I can’t wait to see his beautiful face, :-) Of course, if I’m busy nursing, sleeping, etc., Matt will definitely be my proxy with the pics, :-)
Amber, uh-huh.
emma, I know, I know. I think of your birth experience with Drew and I know that I’m lucky to have made it so far in my pregnancy (though whenever I look at Drew and what a beautiful and happy baby he is, I get the feeling that despite the crazy first weeks of life, everything worked out for him and your family, right?).
Regina, I’m all about having fun with the hubby, :-)
Prasanna, I can’t wait to share good news with you!
Dcan, thank you for the encouragement and thank you for visiting me over here. Writing, photographing, and posting is among my greatest pleasures. I wonder how I’d get through things (bigger than waiting out the end of my pregnancy) were it not for good friends, family, writing, and “being with bloggers,” :-) I love this community.
I’m new to your blog and I just wanted to tell you that I’ve really enjoyed these last 30 days. You are so inspiring and have made me think of things I could do to spend more quality time with my 5 & 8 yr old babies. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that you won’t have to wait beyond that 40 week mark! Keep trying to relax and enjoy your time with one. :-) Oh I almost forgot to say that your photos are lovely and I’m looking forward to meeting your baby too!
Wow I am humbled by the other commenters. They put it all so well! Anyway, I am just here to say that I am right with you, waiting and hoping :)
Ahhh, those last couple of weeks are tough. The anticipation is amazing! My second baby was a week late! Ugh. I thought for I was going to have a growing child (not baby) in my belly forever!
It’s going to happen any day now, just you wait and see. Oh, and start going for vigorous walks, eat spicy thai food, have some fun with the hubby–it’ll happen :P
haven’t you heard the addage that you have to want them out badly enough to evict them ;-) (to labor again) – in theory, right :)
I think we spoke briefly about this, but I’m glad you didn’t go “too” early. After my 36 week spontaneous labor w/ Drew who wasn’t ready to come out, nicu, ventilator… I don’t wish premature labor on anyone. I’m glad your baby will be “fully cooked”. Hang in there – enjoy playing with small pieces with A as long as you can – it’s a joy to have #2, but it’s also less complicated before they arrive. Thinking of you & hope you rest well tonight.
Waiting is no fun. It really isn’t. As much as I didn’t want a repeat of my first birth experience once I got to 38 and 39 weeks I was so DONE. I would call myself a natural birth proponent, but I also know it’s just not a lot of fun to carry around a full-term infant.
I wish you well, and hope that your baby comes soon! :)
I know when the time comes you will be amazing and you’ll be so happy to have your little boy! I just hope that Matt can sneak on here to show us all a picture! I’m sending positive thoughts your way :)
Lovely post.
I remember being equally as frustrated when my first was born early and my second…well, wasn’t. I kept telling myself “He knows when his birthday is supposed to be, and he will be here on that day.” But I still fought all sorts of things, just like you are feeling. You know you’re supposed to be patient, but you’re not. You know you’re supposed to be peaceful, but you’re not.
You’re human.
Baby Boy will come, on his birthday. And his entrance into the beautiful lovely environment you have so carefully created for him will be so perfectly timed, exactly how its supposed to be. However it plays out. Its exactly right.
I know its hard to see it from that side. And I kind of want to kick myself for being on this side of things now and “giving advice”. Just know I know what you’re talking about. And I’m wishing you peace.
You *are* so much more than the thoughts you have. :) Sleep well.
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