Here and there, over these last 7 months, I think that I’ve shared a little bit about my thought process and experiences during this second pregnancy, but for the most part, I think I’ve been less than eager to share what is going on inside of me. For the most part, I have enjoyed this pregnancy more than I did the first time around; it has been easier on me physically and mentally . . . the latter having to do with choosing prenantal care that is in line with my personality, fears, beliefs, etc., and with having avoided scanning web pregnancy articles that scared the bejesus out of me the first time around. Mostly, my fears, regarding pregnancy and birth, are byproducts from my first pregnancy, as well as from what I know about my mother’s first pregnancy. I’ve written a bit about my first pregnancy here, explaining how I found myself, birth plan in hand, lying in a hospital, undergoing an induction, trusting no one (including my midwife/ob-gyn practice) and fearing that my body was not doing its job for the health of my baby (a 36 week sonogram indicated that she potentially had growth restriction). My husband, bless his heart and mind, was terrified about what was going to happen to me and our baby. I have to tell you, I felt powerless, overwhelmed, and scared to death. My first birth experience was not what I had expected or wanted for myself, my husband, or our baby, though it is my feeling now that we did our best to overlook all of the negatives so that we could focus on our happiness at being the parents of a beautiful baby girl.
For my first delivery, I endured a pitocin induction for 6 hours and then succumbed to an epidural, which my primary nurse encouraged from the very first minutes of the “procedure.” She continuously asked me why I wanted to be a champion, why I wanted to suffer, why I wanted to experience unneccessary pain. My husband too did not want me to suffer, though he also supported me (physically and psychologically) in my decision to have our baby naturally, with no pain medications, despite the fact that my labor was being induced. After 6 hours of the induction and constant reminders from my nurse that my labor was not progressing fast enough (she continuously remarked on her hope that I deliver my baby by the end of her shift, which ended 7 hours from the start of my induction), I gave in and accepted an epidural. Looking back, I wish I had requested another nurse or at least asked my husband to bar her from our room. Still, I do have compassion for myself. I was 25 years old, unsure of myself and my body’s ability to birth my bay, and I suffered from that horrible desire that so many women cope with: the desire to please others. Just 3 years later, I think about this paradigm: me (laboring young mother), nurse (in position of power), and my baby’s health and well being (dependent on laboring young mother and laboring attendants), and I wish I’d just told her, the nurse, to fuck off.
The fact that I delivered a healthy baby girl, though slight in size (5.11), vaginally and with no tearing, I attribute to two things: 1) my midwife, though not present through the entire birth, was advocating for me to have the most “natural” experience possible (even though her wisdom and power were regulated by the 5 ob-gyns in her practice); it is my belief that her encouragement and manual stretching of my cervix is what helped me to avoid a cesarian delivery, and 2) prayer and will (at one point I asked everyone to leave my room so that I could pray. I asked God why this was happening to me, to our baby, and I also prayed, with everything that I am, to make it, alive and uncut, out of that room with a healthy baby. Oh yes, and I also called my therapist and confided in her that I felt I could trust absolutely no one except myself . . . looking back, I have to laugh because I don’t think that this woman had children and had no idea what to say to a panicing woman in labor).
Needless to say, the fear from my first delivery linger(ed)(s). Now add to that my knowledge of my mother’s first birth experience. From what she has confided in my sister and me, I know that my mother carried my older sister to about 7 months, and due to an ignorant call made on behalf of her ob-gyn, was not checked after having a high blood pressure reading. She lost the baby. I am crying right now as I write this. I just cannot imagine how my mother or any woman who loses their baby feels. It tears me apart every time I think about it. When she lost her baby, the doctors and nurses told her to go and lay down in a room and wait. Living in the U.S., which boasts of its phenomenal medical care, I still cannot make sense of the way my mother was treated. Just a total lack of humanity and respect on behalf of the medical institution.
So I’ve been tight lipped this time around but now feel the need to share what I am going through. I have been deep, immersed within myself, and within books about birth. This time I am opting to birth my baby either at home or in a birthing center. To be honest, because I am healthy, my baby’s growth is good, and because I have had no complications, I believe that birthing outside of a hospital is the healthiest way to birth my baby. I will not lie. I am scared of the pain; I am scared of the what-ifs involved in laboring a baby, but here’s what keeps me steady and optimistic about birthing my baby on my own: I believe that given the time, love, and patience that a laboring woman needs to deliver her baby, I can do this. I will likely pray a great deal during my son’s birth, laugh as much as I can (I am depending on my husband to help me here), moan, moo, and carry on as my body needs for me to, and visualize my body, my vagina, opening and welcoming this baby into the world.
So that’s it. Thoughts? I would appreciate your prayers. I would appreciate your encouragement and support. This is so personal, but what the hell, I figure other women, other mothers can benefit from “listening” to my experiences.
Thank you,
Jessica
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Hi Jessica,
Thanks for sharing your experience and expectations for your up and coming birth. I am sending you my prayers that everything will unfold smoothly and that you will have the most beautiful birth at home, as you planned.
I’m not sure if you know, but I also went through a big process planning for my second birth because my first left a lingering feeling that there was more to the experience than being a “patient.” I deeply wanted to experience birth “my way” and be directed only by my body.
You mention the fear of pain and I really want to encourage you to check out the book – HypnoBirthing, The Mongon Method. It was a big part of showing me all the ways I could make the birth our own and I did not experience pain (removing fear plays a big role). I’ve shared my experience on my blog, and I sense we share similar feelings of wanting to be connected to the process as much as possible. I can say that the HypnoBirthing was the icing on the cake and allowed me to have a very relaxed labor and birth. I think you would love the book :)
I’ll be thinking of you. Keep imagining it all the way you want it to be.
Yes, please do not deliver in the hospital. It is not the place for someone like you.
I see it all the time and it make me furious. I even experienced something similar with my first birth in the hospital. I labored for 42 hours and had a vaginal birth~ only because I was a nurse with birthing knowledge and had an awesome midwife who stood behind my every decision. I told my first nurse to get the hell out of my room because she said, “honey, you have no idea what you are going to go through. You won’t be able to handle it, you need an epidural” I could have choke her. The young, new nurse that was following her look horrified at the interaction between us. I got a new nurse and she was a little better. After that experience, I swore I would never birth in a hospital again! And I didn’t! I went to a birthing center the second time around and it was amazing. I was in power with nothing but support surrounding me. I delivered in 4 hours, no epiziotomy, no tears, no pain medication, lots of walking, moving and changing positions. It was a loving and wonderful experience.
You are healthy mom, with no risk factors, who’s been “there” before. You are in power now. You should feel confident and content in knowing that your body knows what to do and you are going to make the right decisions.
Keep yourself and your baby surrounded by good thoughts and feelings. Everything will go well.
here is the short version:
i also had a difficult end of first pregnancy and hospital birth of my son. so i can relate to that experience. i also chose to have my second child at home and found the model of care and birth to be a great fit for me and incredibly empowering and “healing.” when i was pregnant with my daughter a close friend of mine was also pregnant and she delivered her daughter still born at about 35 weeks. it terrified me and proved to be another challenge for me to accept and make peace with in regards to pregnancy and birth.
so, i can relate. i have been where you are. if you want to discuss in more depth let me know…i just have a tendency to be very wordy so i am trying to keep this brief.
in short — ina may’s books are great. reading homebirth stories inspired me. (on mothering boards, kellymom boards etc.) and my homebirth was AMAZING. i loved it.
birth is intense. i don’t deny that for a second. but i believe it is an intensity we are capable of handling and i know you are going to give birth to your baby boy in the most perfect way for you and him.
Jessica,
OMG, you know that I also had tears in my eyes reading about both your first birth experience and that of your mother.
Look at the beautiful, bright, huggable, little girl you have now . . .I had no idea what it took to bring your dear, sweet Annabelle into the world.
Having endured all you did and reasearched all you have, and just maturing as parents, I’m quite sure you and Matt would both deliver that strong message to any nurse or anyone else who interfered this time around. That nurse’s words were unconscionable!
I’m sure you’ve also address your concerns and your wants with your doctor and midwife . . . have you changed your doctor or practice at all?
As someone who has delivered three children in a hospital, without interference or medications like epidurals, please know that not ALL hospital births are bad. My husband and I took Lamaza classes (many years ago) and I was convinced that I wanted no drugs or medical interventions of any kind, but I did deliver in a hospital just in case the baby needed any extra special care that might be necessary. I also realized that there could be a chance that although I had done everything as planned, at some point, it might be necessary to do whatever was best for the baby, including a trip to the ICU, or whatever, but fortunately that wasn’t the case. So, yes, you can deliver in the hospital without drugs, epidurals, etc.
I think doing the Lamaze gave me something to concentrate on (breathing) and also knowledge on what to expect and how to help regulate the contractions through proper breathing etc. I’m convinced it helped tremendously.
My experience in a hospital all three times was wonderful. I had my baby with me all the time, nursing on demand, and with my third, I actually enjoyed that solitary time there before going home (the next day!)
While most of my peers at the time were having epidurals, or whatever (some would say—just give me the drugs!) I was pretty much in the minority, but I didn’t care. Both my husband and I grew up on a farm and we knew that the birthing process was natural, as well as nursing. When others rushed to “wean” their children, I relished years of nursing.
So, it’s sometimes not easy to be “different,” but it needn’t be difficult, either, as long as you have the support of those around you. I know you have that with your hubby, and I would hope that you now have confidence in your doctors, midwives, whatever, as well. Kick those obnoxious nurses right out of the room….but please consider a birthing center or hospital, just in case you or the baby need a little extra special care. To be rushed into the hospital from home, if things don’t go as planned, can’t be a comfortable feeling.
I appreciate your openness, love your comments and thoughts, and will be praying for you and your family.
Hugs,
Ruth
You’ve been given wonderful advice already which I can’t add to. My thoughts are with you and I look forward to reading how you welcome your new baby into the world after a beautiful birth that you feel in control of.
You can definitely do this!! The pain for me was not bad during most of the labor and the moment of my daughter’s birth made it all totally worth it. The pain is a rite of passage that you not only deserve to experience, but can completely handle. And, the ability to come through it is an accomplishment that you will always cherish. You go, girl!
It sounds like you are working through a lot during this pregnancy. I was amazed at the baggage that I had from the previous delivery even though it was a good hospital birth the first time. I hope that you can stay away from the fear-pain cycle. Our bodies really are meant to do this! Is there a group of local like-minded women that you can meet with? I found that the ladies involved in our local Birth Matters chapter get together once a month for a birth circle. An absolutely wonderful support group. Is there a Virginia Birth Matters chapter near you??
http://birthmattersva.org/
Thanks for writing, I truly enjoyed your latest post. I think you should post more often, you evidently have talent for blogging!
I’m so sorry your first birth experience wasn’t as good as it could have been. It sounds like you’re doing your best to set everything up for your second birth. I read, “Birthing from Within” during my 2nd pregnancy and loved it. LOVED it. I’m sure you need a book recommendation like a hole in the head, but I thought I’d throw it out there.
I believe you can do it. Giving birth hurts, but it is manageable. I’m sending all the good thoughts & prayers your way that I can muster for a beautiful birth and a healthy baby. :)
I’m glad that you’ve weighed all the options and made a decision that is right for your family. It’s so strange to me that so many women think you’re crazy if you don’t get the epidural. Women have given birth for thousands of years without pain medication, under much less comfortable and sanitary conditions, and here we are. I know that both my mom and Ed’s mom gave birth naturally, and it was not thought of as strange then. I won’t even take a tylenol so I’m sure that will carry over to when we have children.
I think you’re brave for making this decision, and I wish you the best luck! When is your due date?
I enjoy reading about your pregnancy, so I’d love to hear more about your thought processes and plans.
Your post almost makes me hungry for pregnancy again…I devoured books and websites about natural birthing methods when I was pregnant. My favorite books were Chronicles of a Modern Midwife (best at giving me the confidence that I could do this) and the Birth Partner (best at getting my husband on board). I was really lucky and had an all natural birth with no tearing despite a posterior position all the way until he popped out, but so much can’t be planned for. As I’m sure you’ve also read, I’ve read that induction brings on much harder cramping and makes it far more difficult to avoid medication. I had it in my mind that if I needed to be induced, I would likely end up with an epidural too. My favorite midwife was on duty when I came in, and I attribute so much of my birth to her talent. Having people around me that supported me was extremely helpful. On the other hand, my mother and some others in my life thought all natural birth was insane and that I would never be able to do it. I think that might have motivated me more than anything! So maybe you want to think about that nurse when each contraction hits. ;) In any case, I wish you a fast delivery with as little pain as possible and a healthy baby. I’m counting on the second one flying out a lot faster than the first. Sorry that was a bit rambling — son woke up from nap partway through!
oh please try not to be afraid of the pain. fear is stress and stress causes us to go agaisnt our intuition. it also amplifies the pain. my doctor here in japan (a wonderful man, a staunch advocate for natural birth and the only doctor in japan who does waterbirth) told me i only need to do two things to prepare myself my delivery, yoga and meditation. yoga because it keeps the body strong and healthy and meditation because it settles the mind and steadies the breathing.
he encouraged me NOT to take birthing classes or parenting classes…he said they teach us to go against our intuition. he told me repeatedy that as a mother i know instinctively what i and my baby need at any given moment and that i should never doubt that. he was right.
pain! yes, birthing is painful. but i found both times i gave birth that by staying calm, doing walking meditation, doing yogic squats and breathing mindfully that my bodies own natural pain killers were able to taek care of a great deal of the pain for me.
i delivered two very big babies (10 lbs and 9 lbs) naturally without any ripping whatsoever. it was amazing! the most incredible experience i have ever had. both times i felt so empowered.
please don’t be afraid of the pain. it is manageable. you will not suffer. and you will feel like a champion.
You just described my birthing experience with my daughter! I had her in the hospital, (midwives are few and far between here in Manitoba) and was harassed into inducement and an epidural. The nurse went so far as to explain third world labor conditions and asked me why I was doing “this” to myself and my family. (I also have an aunt, who is a maternity nurse, who lectured me on the “proper way” to act in the hospital.) I was not impressed, but I was also very scared.
Good for you for making this difficult decision, and thank you for sharing it with the world.
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